nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize