The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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