when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
