Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
