I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize