Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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