I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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