you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
