he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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