i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
