My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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