Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
wanna go halves on a baby?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
