She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
