the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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