i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
