Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
