i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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