this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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