I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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