Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
