Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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