So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
