Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
