There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
