Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize