My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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