by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
