im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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