youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
