im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
