I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
