The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
