They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
