My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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