She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
