I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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