I wish my penis had an off switch
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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