I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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