I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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