it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
