The maid of honor just puked.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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