The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
