She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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