Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
