In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
