He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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