the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
