Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
