I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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