i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
