this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
