ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
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I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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