Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
