I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
