If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
